THINGS I WANTED TO DO

it's the sunniest day ever and I'm going around thinking about my story
story about twenty-five to thirty or fifty depressed people

thinking about how none of those made-up people feel exactly like I do
they are all happier and not like me, not like I am right now
and what will I do about this, I'm thinking, how can I live with this

and I wait around for you
who will tell me I'm self-indulgent
who I will agree with and then feel sort of hollow and good
but who doesn't show up

so I call you
the only boy in the world that I like
and you cancel on me, and you ask me

if I want you to call me over spring break
from your home
and I say if you want to

and you say you will then
and of course, maybe, you won't

and I go to the strand, buy three of the most depressing books I can find
which I know I'll never finish because they won't be depressing enough

and so I buy a six-dollar fruit tart and eat it walking around
and it feels like I'm walking on water
and I am amazed that I am not below and inside the concrete, drowning

on the train I sit and shut my eyes
I am in the middle of some stupid world and where my brain is is
instead a huge, wet heart

and where my organs are are instead hearts
and my bones are all hearts too
and no heart anywhere in the world is beating but just wet and
humming and enormous
and I walk home

it is three p.m. and bright outside
and I know that my day is over

I lie on my bed and I wait for your phone call
the only person in the world that I like
my favorite person
not god but just a person

and I know you can't save me, you didn't create the universe in seven days
you're just another person who isn't in love with me
but maybe you can do something, still, I guess, and I want to murder you and myself

and I get up and shut my door and shut the blinds and turn off every light
turn off the fan, everything

pull the covers over my face, pretend it's night
and try to view my life as ironic and humorous
try to view it in a wry and detached way

but I can't, and instead I try my hardest to cry
but that doesn't happen either, so I just lie very still
and listen for your phone call, because now now I'm thinking that maybe

you canceled on me by accident
maybe you are accidentally really in love with me
maybe the devil intervened and said you'd die
if you didn't cancel, we'd both die if you didn't cancel
or something

and I am lying very still and thinking all this and time keeps going
and I know that I must fall asleep for twenty hours
can't wake up around nine p.m. rested and hungry and thinking of you
must sleep straight into tomorrow

and this is what I'm thinking
I'm thinking, please, just let me go to sleep
thinking, please, and I am listening
very closely for your phone call
and I am going a little insane
and after a long time, finally, I am insane, I am crying a little
the tiniest of cries, something miniscule and not even real
just some water behind the eyes, some salt
in the brain
not crying actually, but something else
something strange and new
a small piece of my heart, letting go
into the blood
about a hundred thousand pieces of my heart, into the blood
the whole thing, going places

I wanted to join a water polo club
I wanted to buy a tie-died cape
I wanted to walk around for one hour staring amiably at peoples faces
I wanted to let my appetite go and go and then when I felt hollow and good I
wanted to buy a corn muffin and a tea and a soup and sit in the park
on a bench and take my time eating and feeling the sun on my arms
I wanted to email or call every friend I ever had
I wanted to have initiative and make plans for as many days as possible for the rest of my life
I wanted to buy a small vacuum cleaner and a small fold up desk
and I wanted to to offer to vacuum your house
I wanted you to be someone I knew in fourth grade who said he liked me
I wanted to go in there and vacuum his house and then when he offered me lemonade I wanted to
complement his hair maybe his teeth
I wanted to keep complimenting him until he was giggling and sitting
at one end of his large couch and touching his hair and glancing at me
I wanted to put the desk in the middle of his living room and put the
vacuum cleaner on top of the desk and then stand arms akimbo
and say, 'well there then'
I wanted to sit on the other end of his large couch and ask him from across
the length of the room what he was doing on friday

I wanted the TV to be off but the fan to be wooden and on and making a sandy noise
I wanted him to crawl toward me over his couch
I wanted to stand up while he was crawling toward me and vacuum his couch
I wanted to vacuum his hair
I wanted to say, 'can I try something on you?'
I wanted us to take turns doing new and interesting things with the vacuum cleaner
I wanted us at one point to be standing on the desk together trying to gain control
I wanted him to go into the kitchen and come back in the living room with a steak knife
and I wanted him to chase me with it
I wanted to leave his house when the sun was big and red and the sky was orange
and whipped like a peach smoothie
I wanted on the way home to see three year old twins with blond hair and
blue eyes playing with a white dog
I wanted to shower with hot water and then cold water and then walk around naked
I wanted to do one hundred jumping jacks to build my stamina
I wanted to cut a papaya and eat it
I wanted to package some of my books and send one to my mom,
one to my brother, one to a friend
I wanted to do nice things for everyone I ever knew
I wanted to lie on my bed and put my ear on the pillow
I wanted a mysterious noise outside to wake me up
I wanted the window to be open and a light breeze coming in and I wanted it to be
dark outside and cool in the room when the mysterious noise woke me up
I wanted to feel sleepy and happy and comfortable
I wanted to fall back asleep wondering what the mysterious noise was that
woke me up