Cloud Song (demo)
Here's a demo of a new song. I just wrote the lyrics today, and that's what I'd most like feedback for.
Not much to say about the recording quality. I don't really know what I'm going to do with it yet. I don't think it will be as stripped down as this demo, though.
Here are the lyrics:
Absent from your brother's letter
Perfect, peaceful
Colors for your bedtime story
Scary, subtle
So gray (didn't really sound that good)
Hold your breath under the water
Blackened desert
Help you to inhale the vapor
Vision, moisture
Children Hide behind their fathers
Sheltered, shutter
Jordan's ode in C# minor
Dreadful, subtle
Underneath the constellations
You and I are levitating
Somewhere in the atmosphere
It's miles between the Earth and here
Sink yourself into the texture
Distance, level
Seeping back into the gravel
Slumber cycle
Underneath the constellations
You and I are levitating
Somewhere in the atmosphere
It's miles between the Earth and here
ooh ooh ooh blah blah blah etc.
8 comments:
Lizzy just gave me a good idea about filling in the gaps in the verses. I think I'm gonna do that. Not in a huge way, just coming in a beat earlier on the second work (turning the two word lines into three or four word lines).
does that sound like a good idea? I can't tell now.
It might be something to try - though I think the guitar work holds up the rhythm and keeps things moving. Also, your sense of rhythm is fancy and keeps things interesting.
Also, way to put the key change at the golden ratio, nerd.
Just kidding, I really like it.
yeah, i would try that for sure. I had another thought though: Maybe limit the last line in the verses to just one word, rather than including both. I don't think you necessarily need to sing a note when the guitar plays that final chord in the verse (the one that leads into a 7th chord). I think that if this idea sounds bare to you, maybe change some of these words at the end of the verse so that you can put them in a gerundive form ("-ing"). I think doing that would create a nice sense of continuation at the end of each verse and would keep the lyrics from sounding choppy or something. It's just a thought...i don't wanna F with your lyrics because I like them, especially the last two stanzas; they are really strong. In the other stanzas, just make sure that the sets of 2 adjectives and/or nouns that you include together don't take away from the strong images you create in the previous line. good images.
I like how honest this is C-gwaz, both in terms of performance and content -- there is not much between you and the audience, and I would keep that in there somehow as you develop it.
First off, Liz told me to say that she really likes it.
Secondly, I think the lyrics really work. The longer lines of the verse separately sound like they are going to center on a particular story, but they don't really build a narrative. They end up working more like "stream of consciousness" and then the chorus lyrics really solidifies that for me. Because it's about being in a weird place with a funny perspective. Know what I mean? So okay, I really like the sort of dreamy vibe against some sort of dark or down lyrics. I also like the placement of the short lines. They're on funny beats and it even makes me think your changing time signatures the first time I hear it.
I think what would be totally sweet would be a real psych-pop treatment of it or whatever. (I know you wanted comments on the lyrics, but everything's connected, man) Like with multiple voices (maybe a second, thrid, fourth person singing one or both of the off-beat adjectives) or a bunch of people. Cause the long lines and short lines have these sort of funny-weird logical relationships, and they are song with weird awkward timing. And I think to play into that would be cool. Different voices in different registers with different delivery maybe singing the lyrics half spoken or laughing or in funny high voices with character. Reverb harmonies.
Although the lyrics sound personal to some extent (the instances of "your brother's letter" and "jordan's ode in c sharp minor") I feel like the over-all effect is not super intimate, again in the way (that I think) the lyrics work together and the dreamy quality of the music. (I don't necessarily think that ever "you" is the same person even) So I think it should get totally psyched out. and then we can all smoke lots of tree bark and eat lots of poppy seeds and think about things!
The word moisture really stood out of place to me.. It doesn't seem to have the same vibe as the rest of the words. I'm not saying it's bad, just that it stood out.
I really like the part where you say C# minor.
Will you keep posting this as you work on it? Swweeet.
i'm with "the kid" on this one. go psych! within 20 seconds the whole thing just screamed *REVERB* to me....
the lyrics describe a very strange space (or some sort of dis-space, unspace), so the sonic environment could totally reinforce that sort of synesthetic despaciality or something...
love the recorder (?) and the last 30+ seconds when it really builds w/ the extra voice on the chorus..
Post a Comment